As the months went by my heart began to feel the desire to have a regular schedule. The schedule that is monitored by human minds, the schedule that one studies for. The schedule that at times comes with a lack of sleep and insufficient nourishment. I found myself disturbed at the idea that I had lost such schedule. But I wondered why?
During the month of May, the numbers of people being laid-off at our office continued to increased due to COVID-19. Prior to me being laid-off along with two awesome co-workers, I worried that the following call would be directed to me. I didn’t want to give it a thought, but I prayed “Father, whenever my time in this place ends, I will be ok, because you are with me.”
So months later, I was annoyed at the idea that I missed having a regular schedule. It came with frustration after having a fantastic summer! I began to get discouraged that self-employment may not be the right decision. I felt guilty taking vacation, I was living in a vacation.
And then it clicked! I really missed working 40+ hours a week. I missed talking to team members and solving problems, I missed being part of a collaborative team. I missed thinking extra hard. God showed me the beauty of consistent work and need to do more than what our brains can handle.
But there was something more, I wanted control of my situation, which is probably what gave me frustration after returning to California from a wonderful vacation with my family. I realized that my frustration was doubting the power of God when it came to trusting my work to Him. I felt embarrassed yet not wanting to admit that it was affecting me spiritually. Why?
Every single job that I had received had been led by Him, so as I was walking back from gardening a thought came to me, who is in control? “You are,” I said. And there was silence. All this time, I had not fully addressed that being laid-off had affected me. I cried. On the day that it happened I shed a few tears and really took it as an opportunity to travel. My circumstances had changed, I shared an schedule with friends, and family. So there was no time to address this issue again with God. I didn’t think I needed it, I was very happy just picking up bags and visiting places and people.
Until reality hit, work with clients wasn’t promising. Studying for my license had being delayed and frustration began to fill my heart. I prayed as I walked, “just give me one more no and I’ll stop trying to be self-employed.” That same day I dialed a client with the idea that her “no” was about to change my path very soon. She didn’t say no.
I went hiking that day with the image of a bird staring at me, saying, “what’s wrong with you?” The same pigeon that looked at me a bit confused when I cried asking God, why He had taken me away from my family back in 2018. I laughed, I just couldn’t believe, I have it easy, really! God had blessed me so much and yet I felt discouraged from not having control of my work? I don’t need control, I don’t need control of my life, it is actually very harmful to want to control your life. God knows how to heal me, He never forced me to come to Him with my issues, but as I write this, I understand the need to surrender all aspects of our lives to Him.
There will be days when we feel discouraged and frustrated, and even embarrassed of what we lack. But remember, He says, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
God loves each one of us dearly and He wants the best for you. It is my prayer today, that you may come to Him with your struggles, with your lack of faith, and tell Him how frustrated you feel, how sad and how much you miss what you may currently lack. He is greater to take the burden off your shoulders, pick you up, and teach you how to walk with Him again or for the very first time. Amen,
Tapia 